Where to start? There are millions of blogs out there about wedding planning so I've reconsidered writing this several hundred times. However, in the wee hours of the morning when I'm trolling the internet looking for answer to specific problems I can't seem to find any.
I am the reluctant bride. There is nothing wrong with my relationship to explain the way I feel. Even when I search for something to be unhappy about, just to make sure it's not hiding in a dark corner somewhere, I come up empty handed. I'm the girl that is eternally waiting for the other shoe to drop. I always expect the worst in everything. In my mind it's my way of avoiding disappointment. I prefer to be pleasantly surprised when things work out well, and things are working out well.
I have never been the girl that needs to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled. In fact, for the majority, I find myself most happy alone. Life is exhausting, and this statement takes some background information to not sound so "poor me." I have Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. In the last five years I've gone through organ failure, two rounds of chemo, and lots of medications. I don't have the capacity to care for myself, let alone meet someone else's needs. That is what is so special about my Love. He doesn't need anything from me. He is a whole person. He isn't broken or damaged. He doesn't need me to fill the empty spaces inside of him or make him feel better about himself. He does not demand of me, and we work beautifully. It is an amazing gentle love.
When we began seeing each other I had come to a point where I was done with other people's neediness, baggage, drama, issues, damage, blah blah blah. I am a "no nonsense" sort of girl. I looked him straight in the face and said, "I am going to die, and probably before you're ready for it."
He said something interesting here, "How long do we have?"
...we
"It could be 6 months or 10 years, but you need to accept that if we're going to date. I don't need a hero. You can't save me. I just want to be happy with someone."
Three years later, wonderfully happy is what we are. It's not sunshine and roses every single day, but it's beautiful. So then why am I the reluctant bride? There are some days that I don't know if I know how to let him love me, and I'm afraid of screwing the whole thing up. I am fiercely independent and the idea of "living on one side of an ampersand" terrifies me. Will I stop being me when we become us? Where will I end and he begin?
and the most terrifying question-
"What if I'm OK with that?"
i walk down my street at night
the city lights are cold and violent
i am comforted by the approaching sound of trucks and sirens
even though the world’s so bad, these men rush out to help the dying
and though i am no use to them i do my part by simply smiling
the ghetto boys are cat-calling me
as i pull my keys from my pocket
i wonder if this method of courtship has ever been effective
has any girl in history said “sure, you seem so nice, let’s get it on”
still i always shock them when i answer “hi, my name’s amanda” and
i’m not gonna live my life
on one side of an ampersand
and even if i went with you
i’m not the girl you think i am
and i’m not gonna match you
‘cause i’ll lose my voice completely
no, i’m not gonna watch you
‘cause i’m not the one that’s crazy
i have wasted years of my life
agonizing about the fires
i started when i thought that to be strong you must be flame-retardant
and now to dress the wounds calls into question
how authentic they are
there is always someone criticizing me
she just likes playing hospital
lying in my bed
i remember what you said
“there’s no such thing as accidents...”
but you’ve got the headstones all ready
all carved up and pretty
your sick satisfaction
those his and hers matching
the daisies all push up in pairs to the horizon
your eyes full of ketchup, it’s nice that you’re trying
the headstones all ready
all carved up and pretty
your sick satisfaction
those his and hers matching
the daisies all push up in pairs to the horizon
your eyes full of ketchup, it’s nice that you’re trying
but i’m not gonna live my life
on one side of an ampersand
and even if i went with you
i’m not the girl you think i am
and i’m not gonna match you
‘cause i’ll lose my voice completely
no, i’m not gonna watch you
‘cause i’m not the one that’s crazy
as i wake up - two o’clock - the fire burned the block but ironically
stopped at my apartment and my housemates are all sleeping soundly
and nobody deserves to die, but you were awful adamant
that if i didn’t love you then you had just one alternative
and i may be romantic
and i may risk my life for it
but i ain’t gonna die for you
you know i ain’t no juliet
and i’m not gonna watch you
while you burn yourself out, baby
no, i’m not gonna stop you
‘cause i’m not the one that’s crazy
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